Hell
by Swiper. No swiping
Summary: Bzzz. Wake up. Bzzz. Wake up.


Buzzer.

Pain.

Don't want to wake up anymore.

Light.

Pain.

Don't want to do this anymore.

Sound.

The voice.

"Wake up."

Pain.

Shut up.

Let me rot.

"Wake up."

Let me die.

Fall on the floor.

Tangled up in the bed sheet.

Crawl towards the window.

"That won't help you."

It never has.

Nothing ever has.

Buzzer.

Crawl towards the door.

"Your food."

Too weak to move my arms.

"Eat."

I can't.

"Eat."

Shut up.

"Eat."

I can't. I can't move my arms.

"Eat."

I stick my face in the bowl.

"Good. Chew, swallow."

Shut up.

It's slop.

It tastes the same.

Like every meal I've had here.

It's always slop.

"Chew and swallow."

Shut up.

Buzzer.

"Don't just lie there with your face in the bowl. Eat your damn food."

Too weak.

Buzzer.

Stop it.

"Eat, goddamnit, or we're going to make you eat."

Stop the pain.

Please.

It hurts.

It's hurting me.

Buzzer.

A scream tears out of my mouth, into the food.

The slop bubbles.

Then I start laughing.

Buzzer.

Stop it, please.

Please.

I can feel pain, still.

Can't I?

Buzzer.

Fuck. Fuck you.

I'll eat.

"Good."

I'm so tired.

"Good. Good, good."

Voice.

"We can't have you dying now, can we."

But that's what you want, right?

Or do I have it wrong?

I want to die.

Maybe I'm the only one who wants me to die.

I laugh.

Ha, haha.

Then I vomit.

Buzzer.

Ow, goddamnit what the fuck did I do.

"Unacceptable."

What the fuck did I do I just vomited it's really nothing.

"Unacceptable. Clean up the mess you made."

How do you expect me to do that?

"Clean up the mess you made."

The voice.

I don't want to.

"Clean up the mess you made."

Then I start eating my vomit.

Gag.

Try swallowing.

Keep gagging.

I'm going to be sick again.

"Good."

I can still feel pain.

Can't I?

"Good. Good, good."

Shut up.

Don't want to do this anymore.

"Drink the water."

I can't move my arms.

"Drink."

I can't.

Buzzer.

Fuck you.

"Drink the water."

I tip the water glass over onto the floor.

It makes a puddle.

"Drink the water."

Try lapping it up.

Mixing with my stomach acid.

I stick my head in it.

Try breathing in the water.

Try to drown myself.

Buzzer.

Damnit.

"Drink it."

Go back to lapping it up.

Licking the floor with my tongue.

Can feel the dirt on my tongue.

I gag again.

I want to die.

"Good."

Let me die.

"Good. Good, good."

Start crying.

Dry sobs.

No tears.

"That won't help you."

No, it won't; you're right.

It never has.

It never will.

Nothing ever will.

I cough.

Water in my lungs.

"How do you feel?"

Like shit.

Haha.

I always feel like shit.

I can't tell them that.

I can't say anything

If I say anything, they'll win.

Laughter comes over the intercom.

Fuck you.

"It's a joke, see? A funny joke. It's funny because you and I both know that you have no feelings."

I do.

I do too!

I can still feel pain.

Can't I?

Buzzer.

Ow, I didn't do anything.

Try tearing the collar off.

Buzzer again.

Pain.

Don't want to do this anymore.

"You have no feelings, you monster."

Look at the window.

Too high: can't climb.

Bars: can't fit through.

"You don't even deserve this. You deserve much worse. You deserve to have the shit beaten out of you, and then when you think that the beating will subside it'll just keep going, and then you deserve to have it done to you again, and again. And even then that's not half of what you deserve."

Sky outside: blue.

Lylat, beautiful, framed right in the window.

Burning my eyes.

Tears.

Try tearing the collar off.

Buzzer again.

Pain.

I scream again.

It's all I can do.

"You always do that. Every single day. You know the shock collar won't come off. Why do you keep doing it? Do you forget, or something? Are you that stupid?"

Shut up.

Stare out the window.

Lylat.

A star.

One of many.

In space.

All shining.

In the dark.

Eyes close.

Buzzer.

Ow fuck I didn't do anything.

"I am tired of playing this fucking game. I didn't think it was possible, because it really provides me with just as much amusement as I could possibly get, just as much revenge as I could possibly get, it's that I am fucking tired of seeing you. Of listening to you breathe. Of listening to you squeal. I want you to tell me what I need to hear."

Shut up.

"How long, exactly, do you think you've been in here?"

Don't know.

Don't care.

Want it to stop.

"I could tell you, but that might be too much of a surprise for you. You might not be able to handle it."

Vague statement.

That could mean anything.

"Suffice to say you've done much better than anyone else in keeping quiet. But we need you to talk, now. So: do as I ask."

Shut up.

Sniffle.

Stare out the window.

"I want to know. You have to tell me."

I don't have to tell you jack shit.

"I want you to tell me why."

Keep staring out the window.

Don't look.

"Tell me why you did it."

Don't say anything.

"Tell me why you did it or I'm going to shock you again."

Don't say anything.

I used to have witty things to say.

Buzzer.

Pain.

I used to flip them off.

Now I don't even want to do that anymore.

"_Tell me_ _why_ you did it."

I don't have to tell you jack shit.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Buzzer.

Pain.

I scream.

"Tell me why or I'll keep pressing the fucking button until you die you worthless sack of shit just fucking tell me what I want to know."

Shut up.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Tears.

Buzzer.

My face is wet.

I must be crying.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Goddamnit.

They'll just keep doing this.

Buzzer.

Pain.

I scream again.

Fall on the ground.

Shut my eyes.

Try to slow my breathing.

So that it appears that I'm not breathing.

Maybe they'll stop if they think I've lost consciousness.

"That won't help you."

No, I guess it won't.

Nothing ever does.

Nothing ever will.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Try not to scream.

Try not to scream.

Don't scream.

Nothing.

Silence.

"Fine. If you want to play dead, play dead. Consider this your break."

Then nothing.

Silence.

I bet they're watching me.

I bet if I move they'll shock me.

If I move they'll shock me.

Stay still.

The floor is warm.

Light.

From outside.

Blue sky.

Sunshine.

Warm day.

Nice day.

Every day is warm.

Every day is nice.

Every day.

Every day is more pain.

I want it to stop.

I want to die.

Keep my eyes shut.

I can't sleep.

I'm not tired anymore.

Fucking buzzer.

I'm tired of everything.

But not tired at all.

Haha. Haha.

Can't laugh or they'll shock me.

Keep waiting.

Keep still.

Warm light.

Keep still.

Keep quiet.

Warm light.

A faint hissing.

It'll be over soon.

--  
--

Back in bed.

How did I get here.

Haha.

It's not really that funny.

I don't want to move.

I don't want to do this again.

It could've been a dream.

I've been in here long enough.

It's all I dream about.

Being here.

Waking up.

And the buzzer.

I dream the buzzer.

And the pain.

I dream the pain.

It's all in there.

The voice.

How long do you think you've been in here?

For all I know: forever.

I could've been here forever.

Everything up to now could've been a dream.

Could've been in my head.

Could've been some disgusting nightmare.

The whole thing.

Or I could be dead.

And this could be hell.

Somewhere back there I died.

And I don't know where.

Or how.

And now this is my hell.

And this is what God thinks I deserve.

Haha.

It's not really that funny.

I just don't believe in God.

I'm not sure if I ever did.

Open my eyes.

Lylat is still up.

I guess.

It's still bright.

The sky is still blue.

Then again, it could always be like this.

The sky could be fake.

The light could be fake.

Just a diversion.

Just an experiment.

Just another torture.

I could be in space.

That would make sense.

There might not be a way out of here.

There isn't.

The window is just a joke.

A light bulb behind a blue screen.

A joke.

Haha.

It's not really that funny.

There's no way out of here.

Escape won't help me.

Nothing will.

Nothing can.

It's not funny, but I can't help but laugh.

I don't care if they're watching.

"Wake up."

The voice.

"Wake up."

I don't want to get out of bed.

But I do anyway.

Stare out the "window" or whatever.

I feel better now.

Stronger.

Maybe they shot me up with something.

After they knocked me out with the gas.

I don't know.

Don't really care.

"Did you think we'd really fall for your stupid antics? We know everything."

Shut up.

"It's really interesting. You've been in here for, how long? I don't know. But you've never really seemed to give up. Usually people subject to this treatment snap within a couple of days."

Fuck you.

Walk up to the window.

"It's actually quite admirable. There's a word I'd never think I'd associate with you: _admirable_. Your will to die and take all your secrets with you, quite admirable. Even I probably wouldn't last as long in torture like this."

Try sniffing it.

Is that sea air?

Try putting my ear up against it.

Can't hear anything.

Except humming.

Doesn't sound familiar.

But it smells like sea air.

Fresh air.

Is there an outside?

Don't know.

"You've been in here a long, long time. And you will be here for a much longer time. You could end this. You could speed this up, just by telling us what we want to know. You could die today, if you wanted. All you have to do is tell us."

Shut up.

"Tell us why you killed him."

I didn't kill him.

It smells like sea air.

It smells salty.

It smells bitter.

That stinging nostril sensation.

That could just be the gas, of course.

"You know… of course you know, I tell you this every day. It's rather dumb of me to keep asking you if you know. We know you did it for the money. We being you and me. We know you did it for the money."

Shut up.

The light looks real enough.

I'm not sure what to think.

Whatever.

I wouldn't be able to fit through it anyway.

There's no point in looking at it anymore.

Go back to bed.

Sit down on the bed.

I could be dead.

I could be dead already.

The voice's offer has got nothing on me.

"But that's not enough; at least, that's not enough for me. What happened to you? You used to be an upstanding citizen. You used to be an outstanding pilot. So why did you kill him?"

I didn't kill him.

He killed himself.

He was stupid.

He was stupid and he did it to himself.

I didn't kill him.

"You have to tell me. No, no, disregard that. If you don't tell me, you're going to be here for a long time. You're going to die, either way. You could just make it go a lot faster."

I'm already dead, fuckwit.

I don't have to tell you jack shit.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Don't care.

"Pay attention. Are you even listening to me?"

Shut up.

Don't care.

Buzzer.

Pain.

"Pay attention."

This goes on and on.

The voice.

Me.

Pain.

Light.

This just goes on and on.

I don't tell them anything.

Haha.

It's not really that funny.

"Tell me, asshole. Tell me what I want to know, okay? Your life will be a lot easier."

Buzzer.

Pain.

Ow fuck, what did I do.

Haha.

That's funny.

The voice is starting to lose its edge.

Don't care.

"Fuck. Fuck this. I'm losing it. I'll be back. You can rot for now. We'll do this later."

A faint hissing again.

They always do this.

They love me.

They really love me.

Haha.

Hissing gets louder.

I tuck myself into bed this time.

Shut my eyes.

Wait.

Hissing gets louder.

Keep waiting.

It'll be over soon.

--  
--

_A thirsty hare had gone down into a well to drink the water. He took a good long drink, and when he wanted to get back out again, he found himself trapped with no means of escape. It was a very discouraging situation. A fox then arrived on the scene and when he found the hare he said to him, "You have made a very serious mistake indeed: you should have first decided on a way to get out and then gone down into the well!" _

"Naw, you get it?"

--  
--

Blink.

Get out of bed.

Don't care if they're watching.

Stare out the window.

It's dark out now.

But the light is still there.

The moon?

No, couldn't be.

Looks exactly the same.

Just darker.

I don't get it.

It could be fake.

It looks different.

It smells the same.

Maybe it's fake.

Don't know.

Not sure if I should care.

Couldn't fit through it anyway.

Not going to help me.

Nothing ever does.

Nothing ever will.

I don't believe in God.

Should I believe in God?

Not going to help me.

Nothing ever does.

Nothing will.

It's always the same.

Every day is exactly the same.

Just like this.

Everything.

All the same.

Day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

After day.

Every single day.

Every single fucking day.

Too many days.

All the same.

Too many to count.

Been here forever.

You'd think I'd be dwelling on it.

Try to take off the collar.

Nothing.

Don't care.

Stare at the puddle on the floor.

Water.

Begin licking more of it up.

I'm so thirsty.

Dirty.

Dirt and hair on my tongue.

Dirt is my skin.

Hair is my fur.

I know that.

Don't care.

Keep licking.

You'd think I'd be dwelling on it more.

I'm not.

I don't really care, to be honest.

It wasn't my fault.

I didn't kill him.

He did it to himself.

He well knew what I was doing.

My neck hurts.

Haha.

It's not really that funny.

Because of the collar?

Feels sore.

Every day.

All day.

All the time.

Not sure why.

Bed is uncomfortable.

Food is terrible.

Water is dirty.

Gas leaves me feeling groggy.

My body hurts.

Maybe I'm dying.

But I'm already dead.

Don't understand.

What is there for me to understand, anyway?

Understanding it won't help me.

Nothing will.

Nothing can.

The voice: you have no feelings.

I have feelings.

I just don't care about them anymore.

They aren't important.

Never were.

I'm still human.

I know I am.

It's impossible for me to not be.

I may be dead, but I can still feel.

This is my hell.

I wonder when I died.

Don't care.

Shouldn't care.

It's irrelevant.

I'm irrelevant.

Just feeling.

Get up from the floor.

Walk to the window.

I stick my hand out, through the bars.

Nothing there.

No plexiglass.

No light bulb.

Bring my nose up to it.

Sea air.

Put my ear up against it.

All I hear is humming.

Then: crashing?

Repeated crashing.

Organic crashing.

Rushing water.

The ocean?

Could be.

Am I still alive?

Tears.

One makes it to my lips.

Tastes like salt.

Like the ocean.

Am I still alive?

Ocean water in my mouth.

Breathe out.

Is this real?

Is this window real?

I'm not sure.

I can never be sure.

Is this hope?

I'm not sure.

I can never be sure.

Hope won't help me.

Nothing will.

Nothing can.

The voice.

"I see you're awake."

The voice has changed.

It's a female's voice.

It's the same female's voice.

It's changed but nothing's different.

"What are you doing?"

Looking out the window.

Why do you ask?

Haha.

It's not that funny.

Buzzer.

Pain.

I know what I did this time.

I don't care.

"Get back to your bed."

Buzzer.

Pain.

Don't care.

"Get back to your bed."

Buzzer.

Pain.

Don't care.

"Get back to your bed this instant."

Buzzer.

Pain.

This time the buzzer keeps on going.

I drop to the floor.

Scream.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Buzzer.

Pain.

Buzzer.

Pain.

It's seamless.

It's not stopping.

"Get back to your bed. Don't disobey us."

Buzzer.

Goddamnit stop I can't fucking move with you shocking me.

The buzzer stops.

Get up.

Sit in my bed.

"Good. Good, good."

Shut up.

I don't feel angry.

I don't feel defiant.

I just want them to stop talking.

Hissing.

Lie down on top of my bed sheets.

I'm so tired of this.

This never-ending game.

I can't win.

But I don't want to win.

I just want to die.

Please.

The hissing gets louder.

I'm so tired.

Shut my eyes.

It'll all be over soon.

Except it won't.

--  
--

Blink.

Awake.

Again.

The room is still dark.

Don't want to wake up anymore.

Again.

Don't want to do this anymore.

The room is still dark.

So dark I can barely see anything.

The moon is gone.

They could've just turned the light off.

That would make sense.

The ocean noise.

It could just be a tape.

The sea salt air.

Could just be a vent.

I'm so tired of this.

I just want to die.

I'm not dead yet.

I can still feel pain.

I'm not dead yet.

They're keeping me alive.

They love me.

They really love me.

Tears.

Shut up.

Stop crying.

That won't help you.

Nothing ever will.

Nothing can.

I'm so tired.

Get up.

Get out of bed.

Stare out the window.

The light is off.

Or it could be real.

I don't care anymore.

Can I still feel pain?

I feel sore.

I can still feel pain.

I'm not dead.

Stare out the window.

At the dark sky.

Or the fake dark sky.

It could be real.

It could be fake.

Don't care.

Something inside me.

Still something inside me.

Hasn't given up.

I want it to die.

I want to die.

Stare out the window.

Hope won't help me.

Nothing will.

Nothing can.

A thirsty fox and a thirsty hare had gone down into a well to drink the water. After they had both drank, they tried to get back out again, but to no avail. Try as they might they could not escape.

It was a very discouraging situation.

_And here, along, comes a well-to-do pig. He looks down the well, and sees his, his friends, his friends?_

_And they call up to him. "Pig," they cry, "Pig. Help us get out of this well. We came down here for a drink but now we can't get back up." _

_The pig stares at them. _

_And he says: "You made this mistake."_

_And he says: "You were so stupid. Both of you." _

_And he says: "It was your fault." _

_The pig stares at them. _

_A million years pass by. _

_Another million, then another._

_Sunlight streaming into his eyes, blinding him, bleaching his eyeballs white like hardboiled eggs. His flesh rotting off his body, his veins and muscles exposed to the biting winds, and then when all that went off just his bones, and his skull, and though the physical means have gone by some impossibility, some extension of the soul, he can still see the goddamn fox and the goddamn hare staring back at him looking at him tears welling up in their eyes staring right into his soul in the core of his ribs, this tiny little iota of empathy locked in his bones, but they just can't s_ee it.

I still have it.

I still have it, right?

It's still there, right?

I still have a soul.

I'm still human.

I can still feel pain, can't I?

Can't I?

Aren't I still human?

Answer me!

Nothing.

Silence.

Humming.

I'm still human, aren't I?

I can still feel pain, can't I?

I'm not a monster, am I?

Please.

Fucking say something!

Nothing.

Silence.

Humming.

I'm still human aren't I | I can still feel pain can't I | I'm not a monster am I?

I'm still human aren't I can still feel pain can't I'm not a monster am I.

Imstihmanarnticnstlfeepaicant, inostramonsturamimaruts, nomartsonitnacaipeeflits, necitranamaranhistmuh.

Nothing.

Silence.

Haha.

Aha, haha. Ha.

Why am I laughing?

Turn my head from the window.

I can't do this anymore.

Fall down next to the wall.

I'm not going to do this anymore.

Ram my head into the wall.

Thud.

Pain.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Pain.

Buzzer.

No! The buzzer!

They're watching.

They're onto me.

They've always been watching me.

They're always watching me.

They love me.

They really love me.

Tears.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Pain.

More tears.

Please.

I want to die.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Pain.

Buzzer.

More pain.

Let me die.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Pain.

Buzzer.

More pain.

Please.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Then: no pain.

No pain.

Nothing.

Silence.

Tears.

Tears and, and I realize why I'm crying.

I have no feelings.

I can't feel pain anymore.

I have no feelings anymore.

They were right.

They've won.

Ram my head into the wall again.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Again.

Thud.

Buzzer.

The wall, my head.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Don't want to wake up anymore.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Don't want to do this anymore.

Thud.

Buzzer.

Faint hissing.

No!

Don't want to wake up anymore!

Thud.

Buzzer.

Hissing.

Don't want to do this anymore!

Thud.

Buzzer.

Hissing.

Don't want to wake up anymore!

Thud.


End file.
